Clarity Over Certainty: Pursue What You Want With Confidence

Listen to Clarity Over Certainty: Pursue What You Want With Confidence!

00:04 

Hey there and welcome. Are you a woman who is unapologetically ambitious, but you're also deeply focused on honoring God, loving your family well and pursuing meaningful work? Well, you've come to the right place. My name is Dana Byers and you and I are going to be fast friends. Let's get started.  

00:29 

Hey there everyone. Welcome back for another episode of Been There, learned that this is Dana Byers, and I literally just finished a coaching call, but I wasn't coaching a client. I was the client I was getting coached. I do that pretty much every week, and I wanna tell you that because one, it shows how much I believe in the power of processing our thoughts and the power of walking through a conversation with someone who is trained to help us see our own brain, to see our own thinking. So when you look at hiring a coach, whether or not it's me, I encourage you to ask them, Hey, do you get coached? And here's why. I personally wouldn't be interested in attending a church where my pastor wasn't spending time in God's word and where they weren't being pastored. I personally wouldn't want to have a doctor who wasn't focused on being in good health.  

01:35 

I don't want a hairstylist who doesn't consistently maintain their own hairstyle. And I just think that it's really important for me to be coached so I can show up and be the best coach I can to you. So I'm really thankful for that coaching session. I did have a bit of an ouchie moment where I gained some awareness and went, oh, I've actually been operating out of something that probably isn't completely true. It's a thought that I was able to capture and work through, but it really energized me to realize that I have the ability to look at that thought without being ashamed to address it, and to ask God to show me how can I shift the actions I've been taking so that I get the results I want to move towards that would honor God, would honor me, it would honor everyone who does life with me.  

02:30 

So really thankful for coaching. Alright, today I wanna talk to you about getting clear on what you want. Today's episode is all about clarity, specifically getting clear on what you want so that you can ask for it and move towards it. It's one thing to know what you want, but it's a whole other thing to ask for it and to move towards it. So we'll be talking a little bit about assertiveness today and confidence. And I'm excited to kind of take you on this journey because I once heard an author named Brianna Weist. I heard her say that it's a myth that we are all seeking happiness. She says that instead we crave comfort. And you know what? The more I've thought about that, I see so much truth in what she's saying. Think about it. Think how God created our bodies. Our bodies are made to stay at pretty much the exact same temperature within a few degrees, give or take nearly all of our living days.  

03:34 

We like to avoid change so much. We like to have kind of homeostasis, if you will, because we like to avoid discomfort. The homeostasis or the comfort zone is the preference that you and I have in every area of our lives. And I think I would tend to be a person who says, I don't mind change. I like change. But when I really unpack that comment, the truth is I like change that I initiate and I like change that I want to happen. You see what I mean there? I don't know about you, but there have been seasons in my life where I'm really attached to the idea of homeostasis. I'm attached to the idea of my comfort zone, in fact, where I would rather be unhappy and comfortable than clear on what I wanted and uncomfortable. So that's what I wanna talk about today.  

04:28 

So if you didn't listen to last week's episode about how to support yourself to encourage yourself in to in the Lord and how to let Him lead your life, instead of trying to control all the outcomes and all the results, please go back and do that. I straight up kind of put a masterclass out there last week about how you can stay the course and pursuing your dreams without burning out. And I want it to serve you well. I think it's gonna really enhance your understanding of today's lesson. So go check out last week's episode if you haven't done that yet. So today's episode is gonna take things a little bit further in the sense that it's gonna help you kind of know, see how to know what you want so that you can assert yourself properly on your journey towards your God-given goals. And of course, that's a caveat, but it's very important to mention there.  

05:19 

We're not just talking about what you want, what sounds amazing. We're talking about things that you believe are in alignment with the things that God is offering you or inviting you to step into in your life. So there's a wonderful person in my life, he's been pouring into my leadership development for many years in various ways, and recently he said, you don't need certainty. What you need is clarity. And I feel like his words kind of put skin on this vague understanding that's been developing maybe behind the scenes in my life for the past few years. In fact, I've really been living out this principle, I think by taking faith risks for many years, but having this phrase that he said, you don't need certainty, you just need clarity. That phrase has really been helpful to me personally. It's really felt very supportive to serve kind of as a guide and a reference for this is why I'm doing what I'm doing or this is why I'm taking the approach I'm taking.  

06:16 

So let's start off this episode with a coaching question right now. Okay. I want you to think about a scale of one to 10. One is it couldn't be any lower and a rating of 10 would be it couldn't be any higher. How would you rate your belief right now that you need certainty? So I remember the quote that my mentor said to me is, you don't need certainty, you need clarity. But that might raise a bit of a flag in your mind. So rate on your own scale of one to 10, 10 being very high, how would you rate your own belief today, right now that you need certainty in your life? We don't judge the answer. You don't have to tell anyone that answer, but I want you to be really honest with yourself and in that mindset of seeking clarity and not certainty, I want to discuss how you can improve your approach to confident assertiveness by knowing what you want.  

07:19 

There's an extreme importance of clarity, and in fact, in my on-demand video course, the 10 hour confidence transformation, there's an entire training on developing assertiveness. And you might be wondering, okay, Dana, what the heck does assertiveness have to do with clarity? But allow me to explain first and foremost, we cannot ask for what we want if we aren't clear on what we want. And I know that sounds intuitive, but I want you to really think about it. If you're doing anything from ordering off of a menu to asking for a raise at work, to hiring someone to do some landscaping at your home, you can't really ask for what you want and you can't expect the results or anticipate the positive outcome that you have in mind if you haven't taken the time to get clear on what you want. You see, clarity is what lets us know whether or not we're achieving the the goals or whether or not we're improving the situations.  

08:13 

If we don't have that vision in mind for the end point, we won't know if we've arrived. You will be stuck in the mindset that a lot of my incredible leader clients face, and I've also faced myself, which is, have I done enough? Is this done? Are we at an end point? It creates some confusion. So consider this scenario. Okay, imagine you have five days off of work and a tank full of gas in your car. You know that you really can't just hit the open road and go wherever. Yes, maybe you can roam a bit, but eventually you're going to have to determine where to stop the car. You're going to have to decide when to turn around and when to come back home so that you get back before the five days is up. And you may even need to determine a destination or where you're going to stay at least for the next night so that you are on on some type of a course.  

09:10 

You see, a lot of women have told me they're not assertive enough, and I would say there's probably some truth to that. We could all improve in appropriate assertiveness, but I've noticed that when we get clear on what we want, it's not actually too difficult to assert ourselves. And I have kind of my own personal story I wanna share with you about that. I was a classic mama bear, very protective when we were in the process of adopting our daughter, our youngest child, so before I had even met her. So she was born in 2005. We first received her referral when she was about six or seven months old. All I had was a tiny, tiny little picture of her precious face to go off of. But we knew this was our daughter. We knew this was the woman that this was the, she's a woman now.  

10:00 

But this was the little girl that got intended for us to raise. So before I ever met her in person in 2006, we were stuck in a paperwork backup that was preventing the completion of her adoption. Our understanding was that our file, the adoption file, was on one person's desk. It was awaiting one signature that would release her to join our family. This went on for months. So I remember sitting in our home at the time thinking, I have never held this little girl. I have never smelled her hair. I have never heard her voice. I have never even seen her smile in person yet, but I have clarity. I knew that I would stop at nothing come hell or high water to advocate for this girl and for our family and the completion of her adoption and the the, I really had a lot of pressure.  

10:48 

Honestly, there was a a deadline because we had heard some murmurs that things were about to shut down in her home country for adoptions. There was a real sense of pressure there, and I was laser focused. So if you know our story, you know that it did eventually all work out. I did get to hold my daughter. I did get to smell her hair. I did get to hear her little voice and see her smile in person. That happens almost all the time in my life. Now, most days she's in my home and it's incredible. We did get that signature that we needed on her file to legalize the adoption. But it all happened because I was crystal clear on the mission and what I wanted. Now, we may have had a different outcome, which I hate to think about, but I was able to at least focus how I spent my time and energy to move towards the outcome that we were praying would come about.  

11:42 

So my point here, and this might surprise you, so I wanted to say what my point is to make sure it's very clear. A large percentage of the need to know what you want actually comes down to one word. And that is energy. That's right. Energy. When we don't know what we want. So back to that example where you have five days off work. You've got a tank full of gas in your car, you can drive until you get tired and experience of fine. But on a unspectacular day, you know you get in your car and you do it again in another random direction. What happens is you're burning fuel and time, but you may not be experiencing the full winds or the joy from that time that you have off. And I'm sharing this with you because I want you to consider how much time, how much money, how much physical, spiritual, mental, emotional energy you might be losing if you are haphazardly approaching life.  

12:43 

See, I'm not asking you to drain yourself. Instead, I'm asking you to identify, to bravely sit down and figure out what you want, and then put your laser intensity. Focus on that. You can reallocate the energy that you're halfheartedly putting into perhaps mildly amusing pursuits or goals that don't really inspire you. Instead, you can shift that and focus on just the one or two things that would really change your life and maybe even the lives of those whom you impact and influence. You see, we cannot ask for what we want if we are not clear on what we want. The assertiveness, which is boldly and bravely asking for what you want comes when you are clear on what you want. Why? Well, people don't believe us if we don't believe ourselves. You know, I was just thinking about this earlier when I started this episode.  

13:36 

I talked a little bit about how I got coached and why I believe so much in the experience of coaching and what it can do for those of us who want to grow and develop. That was a very easy, authentic thing to talk about. I'm passionate about it. I can be assertive about inviting women to consider getting coached, whether it's by me or someone else, because I know that's what I want. I want you to experience what I have experienced through coaching. It's very easy for me to talk about that. But you know, to be fair, you can't be enthusiastic about everything, right? But you will have more energy for the things that you must do that aren't as interesting to you in your life. You know, maybe it's the bake sale at school. Maybe it's a volunteer role that you're in or planning something at work.  

14:25 

You will have more energy for those things that you must do that aren't as interesting to you. If you truly understand what you want, why you want it, and the possible benefits of moving towards that thing, if you understand how to get the support that you need to do it. I remember a time in my life when I had a great job and I, I was passionate about a lot of it, but part of my job I really wasn't very passionate about, but one part of my job was incredibly important and rewarding to me. I was really able to connect how the actions and decisions and things I brought to that part of the role were making an impact. So getting crystal clear on the projects that lit a fire under me in a really good way and protecting the time and resources I needed to work on those things actually helped me have more fuel in my tank for the less interesting tasks of my role and kept me from burning out.  

15:22 

You see, assertive living does not mean that you and I get to pick and choose what we want all the time or how we spend all of our time, but it does mean that you can step up and allocate your resources so that you get the maximum reward and the maximum joy and fulfillment from participating fully, from being fully present in the things that do matter most to you. So at this point you might be saying, okay, Dana, this is all good and well, but I just don't know what I want. Okay, let's talk about that. When a client says to me she can't identify her ideal outcome and a situation or what she wants to happen when she says, I don't know, she probably thinks she's confused, but I don't want you to indulge in confusion. Usually if you feel like you don't know what you want, it could be for one of three reasons.  

16:17 

So try these on for size. Reason one, you may not know what you want because you haven't taken the time to truly think about it. Reason two, you may not know what you want because you might be timid, concerned, or afraid to know what would be required of you if you moved in that direction. Some things clients have said to me is they're worried about losing certain relationships, having to change jobs, having to move, or maybe even just upsetting a loved one who doesn't support the path that they've chosen. And then reason three is you might know deep down, but it's in conflict somehow. It might be in conflict with your values of things that people have told you are okay or not okay. For example, maybe you shouldn't work in this industry or maybe you shouldn't earn more than a certain amount of money, or maybe you should get married when you feel that you're called to, you know someone has told you you should be married when you feel called to be single.  

17:20 

So deep down you might know that it's in conflict either with your values or something you've been taught or you just really have to acknowledge. It's a pretty scary thing to do. You may not have people who've done it before, people in your community. So you allow yourself to indulge or remain in confusion because it doesn't seem likely or possible that this opportunity God has given you would be wise, correct? Right? You name it. The problem with indulging in confusion with staying in the, I don't know what I want mindset is this will absolutely poke a hole in your gas tank. You are going to lose your fuel fast. This is a path for burnout, and it's a sneaky one because a number of women that I've coached, and this is also a part of my story in one season, I didn't realize that staying in, I don't know was draining me so much.  

18:19 

I loved my family, I loved my job, but there were a handful of decisions I was very hesitant to make because I didn't know people who had done that before, or I thought they may not completely agree. People in my life may not completely agree with it, but I've learned that showing up for others and having their backs, I can do that pretty easily. I'm sure that's probably second nature to you if you're listening to this, you probably show up for other people and have their backs all the time. You're probably a very dependable woman, but others might be able to depend on you. But I am asking you right now to become a woman who can depend on herself. I'm asking you to begin to show up for yourself to figure out exactly what it is that you want. So here's kind of another coaching question, and it's got some accountability behind it when that's the accountability part.  

19:12 

When will you make time in the next three days to sit down alone with your thoughts? Free of distractions? When will you do that? I'm saying the next three days, because by that point, this episode may have completely slipped your mind. So when will you sit down alone with your thoughts, free of distractions, and ask yourself what you truly want? Particularly if there's a situation in your life that you're feeling some tension in that maybe God's trying to get your attention. You see, freeing yourself from distractions, inviting God into this process, into your thought life, and sitting with those feelings and thoughts. This is going to remove the veil of confusion. You may be allowing yourself to remain under. You are not going to get certainty, but you are going to get clarity. You can sit down with an open notebook. You can just be in prayer.  

20:09 

You can go for a long, quiet walk alone. However you connect with God. This is going to help you move towards clarity. And don't miss this follow up question. I've already asked you when you will in the next three days, but here's really where the rubber meets the road. How will you hold yourself accountable to doing this in the next three days? You might think that sometimes you're listening to these episodes for a little bit of a pick me up, and I think the result of doing this exercise is gonna be a pick me up, but I'm not here to be your best friend right now. Okay, I love you, but I'm here to bring accountability because that is what I know makes a difference. So you might dismiss this and that is your decision, but I'm gonna ask you this next question. How will you hold yourself accountable to this?  

20:57 

This is really important. If you're focused on getting certainty, that's probably never going to come in all areas of your life, but you can get clarity. God is not going to withhold it from you. So here's some ways my clients have held themselves accountable. Now, if I'm your coach and you work with me, send me an email and I can bring some accountability to you. But if you're just listening to this episode, I've still got two really practical ideas you could use to help yourself take this next step in faith that you will get some clarity. Tip number one is you could text a friend to ask you three days from now, if you have taken the time to journal, you know she's going to text you and ask you. That's gonna create some accountability that you want to be able to respond to her. Yes, I did. Okay. Second tip is you could write yourself a check for at least $50 to an organization that you absolutely do not want to support.  

22:00 

I love this tip because I've done this to use it on myself. I'm not gonna speak poorly of some places, but there are definitely some organizations I absolutely do not want to give a dime to. Therefore, I will write the check, keep it on my desk. It is visible to me. If I don't do the thing I'm holding myself accountable to, this check is going in the mail. I write the check, put it in an envelope, I address it, I put a stamp on it, and I put a return address label on it. Believe me, I am willing to lose out on that stamp so that I can shred the check. That brings a lot of personal accountability to my life. So give it a try. If you need something a little bit stronger than texting a friend. All right? If you want to learn a lot more about assertiveness and getting clarity and moving in the direction of what you want and need in your life, check out my course, the 10 Hour Transformation.  

22:57 

Thanks so much for joining me for today's episode on Been There, learned that. I want you to take time for yourself this week to get clear on what you want. God stands ready to give you direction. You deserve that direction. You deserve that time alone, and it is going to be your first step towards making things a reality. I'll see you on the next episode. Are you a Christian working woman who is looking to boost your confidence and transform your life? Well, I have got just the thing for you. My online course. The 10 Hour Confidence Transformation is available now. This course is designed to fit into your busy schedule and provide you with actionable strategies to increase your confidence. Plus, with your purchase, you will get access to a private monthly group coaching call where we can connect and grow together. Get all of the details right now at dana buyer's coaching.com.