Unpacking Resentment: A Recipe for Emotional Reckoning

Listen to Unpacking Resentment: A Recipe for Emotional Reckoning

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Well, hello there friends. Welcome back for another episode. I am so excited to be hunkered down this morning recording a podcast for you for many reasons, but one of the very practical reasons is that it is actually a snowy morning out here in Oklahoma. While I'm recording this now, you should know if you're not familiar with Oklahoma, we don't get a lot of snow and actually where I grew up about 90 miles south of Chicago, we got a lot of snow there. Actually, one of my core childhood memories is opening the front door and there being like a four foot drift of snow covering our front door in the rural community where I grew up. So I've seen some snow. We sure don't have that here in Oklahoma, but I am enjoying the little bit of white covering the ground. So much so that I decided to get out my dog Franklin's little coat so we can pretend it's winter and so he can be toasty when he goes outside. And I also made myself a second coffee this morning, so we will see how that goes. I'm not a big caffeine drinker, but I felt like the cold, windy weather called for a double Americano. So we'll see how that goes.

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Alright friends, welcome to today's episode. I have been praying for you ahead of hitting the record button to record today. And so really my prayer has just been that whoever's here to listen, male, female, adult, child, dogs, cats, anyone that today's topic would be something that would just lovingly pierce your heart. If you're struggling with this subject, I don't come to this topic as a perfect individual. In fact, far from it, I come with the experience of resentment, which is what we're going to talk about and want to share with you, that I think resentment is something that builds in our lives over time, slowly and quietly. And as I look back over my years of leadership, my years of relationships, being in families, working with teams, having close friends, being married, all of these things, I think I've identified a bit of a recipe, a recipe for resentment and five main ingredients that combine to create and bring about resentment in our lives. And I want to talk through those today so that you and I have a stronger awareness, self-awareness and awareness of what God is doing around us and awareness of our thoughts and our behaviors so that we don't unintentionally

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Up creating and preparing this recipe of resentment in our own lives. So let's get started. Like I said, I think there are five ingredients I want to talk about. And the first ingredient for the recipe of resentment is believing people's offhand comments or criticisms about you. I'm sure if you've worked somewhere, if you've ever created something and released it to the public, you have experienced offhanded comments, maybe criticisms, and the problem with believing those isn't so big, the real problem for this ingredient in the recipe, resentment is believing their criticisms more than you are able to support yourself. Alright? So imagine maybe a time where someone has come to you and giving you some harsh feedback, maybe about a project that you led or the way you're leading your team or how you're raising your kids and you receive that criticism at a moment when you don't have a strong support yourself.

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Last year and into this year, honestly, I have a group of friends, a text group, and we plank every day and we just text each other a check mark. And if we planked that day just to check in, we're getting to know each other. It's a very fun thing and I think about that a lot because we are building our core muscles. We want our abdominal muscles, our back muscles, our lower back. We want those to be strong so that the core of who we are can stand and hopefully be less likely to be injured. I want you to think about what it would look like to build your inner core and your own life, your mental capacity, your mental strength if you will, the fortitude of being able to support yourself even if you agree somewhat, even if the feedback or the criticism or the offhanded comments that come your way, you might agree with them somewhat, but it doesn't mean that it's an opportunity for you to not support yourself.

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And one way you can support yourself better is to give yourself a little bit of time to feel the sting of those comments. Now, I know that is counterintuitive. We want to brush those things under the rug and ignore them as much as we can. But I'm asking you, when someone brings you the comment that stings, I'm asking you to receive it, it will not kill you. I want you to look it fully in the face. Not only are you strengthening your core, but you're going to be able to find the truth in that comment if there is truth, and you can act on that truth to improve whatever you're putting out there. And if there's not truth, you will have processed it so that it doesn't stack up and add an ingredient to your recipe of resentment. Okay? That's

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The first ingredient. The second ingredient for resentment is doubting God. And I want to be really careful when I talk about this because it is so easy for those of us in the church, for those of us who follow Jesus to unintentionally create an environment of legalism to unintentionally say things that lead to shame in other people's lives. That's not my intent here. My intent here is to just ask you outright, are you doubting God and where are you doubting God? And I want to follow that up immediately by saying I would think all of us to some degree have doubted God. I know I have for sure in areas of my life that are so important and so deeply embedded in my heart. It's hard for me at times to not experience doubt. I want to share with you something I read. I use the Lectio 365 app.

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I'm going to link to that in the show notes if you have interest in downloading it. It's a free app, it's wonderful. And recently the app took us through just a couple of verses from Job 38. And I want to share that with you. If you're doubting God today, I want these words to speak to your heart and a bit of context here. This is where God is really reminding Job who he is. And if you happen to be a strong-willed leader, if you happen to be someone who really wants things to you really have a strong sense of right and wrong. You want everything to be corrected. You love to fix things. I feel like what God says here in Job 38 is something that puts us in our place to remind us of who we are and how massive and capable he is.

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So listen to these words. Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding who determined its measurements, surely you know or who stretched the line upon it or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb. Have you commanded the morning since your days began and caused the dawn to know its place? Have you entered into the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been revealed to you or have you even seen the gates of deep darkness? Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare if you know all this, oh, I just love those words because sometimes I need God to be like a hard brick wall I run into. You know what I mean? For God to say, this is where you end and I begin, here's what I can do. And I want to remind you that he agrees with us. We aren't capable of fixing these things that we're doubting. So doubting God is not

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A problem, but it is something to be aware of. Identify that doubt. Let it run into the brick wall of who he is and how capable he is. And the things that he has done are completely beyond our understanding. So doubting God is the second of five ingredients and building a recipe for resentment in our lives. The third ingredient is assessing that you are alone. This one is tough. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have just declared, oh, I'm alone in this. No one understands, no one gets what I'm going through. No one cares. It's like cue the tiny violin and the pity party. And it's so easy for me to start looking for evidence to support why I am alone. And there are some of you listening who might physically be alone. And certainly you probably feel alone if you are doubting God.

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But I want to just lovingly say to you, who says You're alone? Who says, and if you feel alone, why do you feel alone? Have you taken the courage and the faith to reach out to someone and say, Hey, I'm struggling. I could really just use someone to talk to. I could really use the opportunity to sit across from a person over a hot mug of tea at the local coffee shop. I could use your prayer today. I want to challenge your assessment that you are alone because you will find evidence to prove that you are alone if that's what you want to believe. I personally don't feel that you probably want to believe you're alone. I think you would love to believe that you are supported. If you want to believe that you're supported to fight back against adding this ingredient towards your recipe for resentment in your life, you must reach out.

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You are a leader and you get to go first. So this is your chance to be vulnerable, to step up and to just reach out to one person or a few people and let them know how you're feeling. The next ingredient in a recipe for resentment is not speaking up. Oh my goodness, this one is rough. This one is so hard for me. I tend to sometimes speak before I think. So it's not unusual for me to speak up, but I don't often speak up for myself. I have in a variety of ways, spoken up for individuals, organizations, causes that I really want justice for that I want to be understood, that I care about, that I want to advocate for. But sometimes I don't speak up for myself. And I'm even of a unique example where I once worked in an organization where I led a team member who came to me and she said, I just feel like I'm not really kind of winning in my role yet.

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And I looked her square in the eyes and I said, I completely agree with you. You are not winning in your role yet. And her eyes got so big she was not expecting me to agree with her. I think she thought maybe I would encourage her, but I meant my agreement to encourage her. And here's why. What I said to her is, it's not happening yet, but you are completely capable of winning in this role. The one thing you lack is the strength and the behavior and the habits of speaking up. We hired you because we want your unique observation, your perspective on what's happening on our team. If you're not able to bring that, you really won't win in your role. So it's a win for me if you speak up and it's a win for you if you speak up. So keeping that experience in mind that I had with a team member, I want to ask you, how could it be a win for you to speak up in a scenario where you're starting to build resentment?

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Think about what that win could be for you and then think about what that win could be for someone else. This team member who came and reached out to me hadn't really considered that I was at a loss because I wasn't getting her opinion. I wanted her input. And the fact is, we want your input. The tables that you sit at, God has put you there for a reason. You won't be a necessary part of the team or the organization or the family or the friendships that you are in if you're not able to speak up. Alright? So the last ingredient for a recipe for resentment is allowing yourself to have more energy drained from your life than you are putting energy into it. So I want to explain this to you by sharing with you something I learned in my coaching certification. I was certified through ipec, the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, and they taught us about anabolic energy and catabolic energy.

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We all experience both of these energies in our lives. They're both necessary and neither of them is really bad. So I want you to look at them with a nonjudgmental perspective. But I also want you to be aware that both types of energy are present in your life. And when I explain them to you, you will be able to understand, oh yes, I've experienced both of these regularly. So something that is catabolic breaks down. It's something that's going to drain some of your energy. Something that would be anabolic is something that builds up or brings energy into your life. So let me be specific. Let's take the example of raising kids. I think I've probably already shared with you, I have

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Two kids. I have a son and a daughter. They're both young adults. Now I'm an empty nester and I am just, they are the proudest thing of my life. But the funny thing is I can't take really any credit for who they are. I just think they're both amazing. I got to be involved in their journey. I'll be involved in their journey till my last breath. But when I think about them as little kids, and when I was parenting them, of course there were catabolic moments and anabolic moments. So imagine if you've ever taken care of let's say a 2-year-old. So you might have a catabolic experience when that 2-year-old blows out their diaper. And when you're grocery shopping and you're trying to figure out what do I do? All the energy drained from you, it's not a very encouraging experience. You're frustrated. You just wanted to get the groceries and get home before nap time.

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That's catabolic. But after you get the 2-year-old home and he or she takes a nap and they wake up, oh my goodness, you picked them up out of their crib and they have little rosy warm cheeks and they smell so good and their hair is so soft and they're just so cuddly. Wow, that is anabolic. So in all of your relationships, in your work, in your ministry, the places you volunteer, you are experiencing all day, every day anabolic and catabolic experiences. You have the capacity, and I dare say the responsibility to keep some general tabs on whether or not you are allowing a lot more catabolic things into your life than you're experiencing anabolic things. Now, we can't control what's coming into your life, but you can control if you are intentionally bringing those anabolic, building up experiences or activities into your life to support yourself so that you're able to sustain what God has called you to do, and so that you're not contributing towards that recipe for resentment.

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Okay, friends, so we've talked through the five ingredients and the recipe for resentment, and now I just want to encourage you a little bit. I want you to know that I believe God wants to help you back out of any resentment you might be feeling right now. Resentment about circumstances out of your control, resentment about a relationship where your expectations are not being met, resentment about not being where you thought you would be at this point in your life. And here's what I suggest you to do. One, just admit to God that you're experiencing some resentment. When I went through these five ingredients, one or two of them or more of them might've really hit home for you and you might've been like, okay, I think I'm unintentionally creating a recipe for resentment in my life. Just admit that to God. He knows it. But when you admit it with him, you are agreeing with him and it opens up your spirit to hearing from him and it opens you up to being open to his support and helping you back out of the situation of resentment.

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Next, I want you to directly ask him for help. God stands ready and able to help you, help yourself. And then I want you to tell him that you're going to be on the lookout for solutions. I love to do this and say, okay, God, I'm feeling some resentment about a specific relationship. Let's say I admit with you, I've added some ingredients to this recipe. I'm sorry about that. I don't want to be here and I need your help. And I ask him, God, I need your help. I am going to be on the lookout for solutions. You are creative. God, you can help me look for ways to have a conversation, to find the right words to change my perspective. God, I am open to no longer adding these ingredients in my life towards resentment and I'm open to changing course. Just let 'em know that you're ready and available and he's going to start bringing solutions to you.

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And a little side caveat here, I want to point out this is not the time for you to start striving. Okay? All my friends, all of you listening, if you're like me, you might be action oriented and you're going to say, okay, well, I told God I'm on the lookout for solutions and I'm just going to go find one. Maybe he'll give it to you quickly, but maybe not. The action comes in surrendering to him. Okay, hear me. Say that again. The action comes in surrendering to him. You don't have to fix this today. You've been slowly building this recipe over time, you will back out of it. But for today, it's mostly about your connection to God and your agreement with him. And one more thing you can do that is a passive action, is to trust that God is at work. If you agree that he wants to help you back out of any of these ingredients you've been putting into your life towards resentment, there's going to be a bit of a process, but you can trust him with that. God loves you. He is for you. He is with you and all things are possible with him. May you and I have an increased awareness when we're unintentionally adding these five ingredients of the recipe of resentment into our lives. And may we surrender to being people who focus instead on identifying God's perspective and trusting him, living in a more holistic life, in our leadership, in our relationships. All right, friends, love you. So glad we got to chat this week. I'll see you real soon.