Listen to Build Your Community: Steps that Spark Connection

00:04 

Hey there and welcome. Are you a woman who is unapologetically ambitious but you're also deeply focused on honoring God, loving your family well and pursuing meaningful work? Well, you've come to the right place. My name is Dana Byers and you and I are going to be fast friends. Let's get started.  

 

00:28 

Welcome everyone. Before we get started today, I wanna take just a moment to share with you a quote that my client Brittany recently sent me. Here's what she said, Dana, thank you for creating a safe and supportive environment. I felt comfortable opening up and sharing my thoughts, which ultimately led to a deeper level of self-reflection. Your coaching techniques and strategies were incredibly effective in helping me. Brittany, thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me so I can share it here with our podcast community. And Brittany, you are amazing. If any of you listening to this are interested in getting coached, all you have to do is go to Dana by coaching.com/get coached  

 

01:15 

Well. Hello, welcome back to the Been There, learned That podcast where we dive into the lives and challenges of Christian working women just like you. Today's topic comes directly from a question that a woman on my email list sent to me. You see, occasionally I'll invite the people on my email list to send me things that they're struggling with so that I can either respond to them via email to kind of help, you know, grease the skids a little bit, to ask them a few coaching questions to help them stay in motion on the problem. Or sometimes, like in this case, the the email that she sent me was such a powerful question and such a a concerning topic that I thought, let's make a whole podcast episode like this one to just help all of us learn about finding your tribe. So I am thankful to this woman, you know who you are for sending me this email.  

 

02:07 

She just vulnerably asked, how do I find my tribe? How do I make friends? I don't think I'm very good at making friends. And she noticed that there's something lacking in her life. So before we get started, if you're not on my email list, why the heck not? We're here every week on a podcast and I'm just inviting myself to take up more space at the table of your life if you're open to it. So go to Dana by coaching.com, sign up for my email list. You're gonna receive emails from me each week that let you know what the new podcast episodes are. But also I send you coaching questions and challenges to help you grow. I am passionate about seeing women who love Jesus grow in their leadership and their relational capacity to draw closer to God. And I wanna be part of your journey.  

 

02:56 

So join my email list. You are going to receive invitations on occasion to ask questions just like this client did, so that I can not only answer her directly, but share this more broadly so that all of us can learn and grow. So today we're tackling a topic that resonates deeply with many of us, as I already said. And that is finding your tribe. Making friends can be really tough, you know, especially when you're trying to navigate work, faith, your personal life, your health, all these things going on. And I wanna think about how can you connect with like-minded individuals who not only share your values, but who also enrich your life. I want you looking for what we call what my clients and I call the win win. If you've ever taken the Energy Leadership Index assessment with me, you know that we're looking for level five relationships.  

 

03:48 

Those are win-wins where what I'm offering you helps you and where what you're offering me helps me. So when you're thinking about your friendships, you want to be able to explore some practical steps together that I'm gonna share with you and find ways about how can you enrich other people's lives and how can they enrich yours Because I think God created us for this, right? If we recognize a gap in our lives, it means that we're missing out on the fullness of life and community that God offers us. So first we want to understand the challenge that we're talking about. You know, it's important to acknowledge that making friends can be challenging for a lot of us. If you are listening to this and and you think it's just you, that's not really true. In fact, I've read so many articles and you probably have too, that socially it can be more difficult for us as we age to create friendships based upon the season we're in.  

 

04:43 

You might be single and feel that that's why it's difficult for you to make friends, to connect with a bunch of married people. You might be married with little kids and think that that's why it's difficult for you to make friends because you're too busy with little ones. You know, you might be leading a company and think, well, I can't make friends because I'm going through so many confidential things and so many difficult things that I don't really trust a lot of people to share it with. So we all have reasons why making friends can be challenging. And you know, even as working adults, just our day-to-Day schedules can leave little room for socializing. So like it or not, we often kind of let that fall to the bottom of our priority list. But we start noticing like this client did when she emailed me.  

 

05:23 

We start noticing when there's a gap in our lives, when there's no tribe there to do life alongside us. Also, I think as Christians, you know, we are looking for connections that are not just social. We have plenty of social interaction all day long at work with our family, maybe at the grocery store, other places we're out in the community, but we are also looking for spiritual connections, right? Not just social connections, but spiritual connections when the the Holy Spirit who lives in us resonates with other people in our lives who also carry the Holy Spirit, other people who are following Jesus. And so this can actually kind of add another layer of complexity because we start thinking not only do I struggle to make friends, but I'm struggling to find friends who share my values that I can do life with, who I can trust and grow with and who will challenge me in my faith.  

 

06:12 

But regardless of those concerns, I do acknowledge those, I do validate those. But regardless of those, I want you to remember that God created us for community. God doesn't create us for things that He doesn't provide for. Okay? God did not create you for community. And then say, I'm not gonna give her any opportunities to build community. Have a look at one Corinthians one 10 to learn about how God created us for community. You see, finding your people isn't just something that's nice to have. It's not a I'll do that someday sort of thing. It is actually integral to our faith and our wellbeing as women who are pursuing God as women who want to really work with excellence and lead our families and our friends and our loved ones. Well. So I want you to make a note here. And this is me taking off the coaching hat.  

 

07:03 

You know, the coaching hat is me asking questions, trying to help you develop your own awareness. And this is me putting on kind of the consultant hat or the mentor hat, if you will. I'm gonna give you some very direct guidance here. Okay? Make note, you are going to have to stop telling yourself that you are not good at making friends. Alright? That may or may not be true, but it's not serving you well. I want you to take the energy that you're using, telling yourself that you're not good at making friends, and use that energy direct it. Instead towards intentionally looking for and building a community. You see leaders go first. It's gonna start with you in time. You're gonna see a beautiful community, a tribe start to take shape in your life, but you're gonna go first. And the way to do that and have energy for it is to focus less on what you may or may not be good at.  

 

07:54 

Focus less on what you've seen in the past with your relationships, and instead, intentionally direct that energy towards building a community now. Okay? Alright. So let's take a look at four steps I've outlined that can help you find your tribe. First, I want you to start in a very simple place, and that would be to leverage your church community. One of the best places is to start at your church when you're trying to build a tribe. And instead of just attending services, you know, whether you're attending online or locally or whatever that looks like for you, I wanna challenge you to get involved more deeply. You could join a small group or a Bible study. You know, these smaller settings are really great for building deeper relationships, for getting a perspective on how other people parent their kids, seeing how they navigate disagreements in their marriage, learning how they handle stress at work.  

 

08:44 

These are the kind of conversations you can have in a small group with your church. You could also volunteer. So whether you know it's in your children's ministry, if you're greeting part of the worship team, planning events, whatever that looks like, it's gonna give you a chance to meet other people who are also giving of their time and a chance to enjoy doing that together. To get to know them a little bit in the process of serving your church. And then of course, most churches have kind of social events, you know, picnics, retreats, workshops, things like that. And those can be really great opportunities for you to meet people in a more relaxed setting to give you a chance to get to know them a little bit better. And you've already got kind of that built in community around both being followers of Jesus because you attend that same church.  

 

09:27 

So the second step I wanna suggest is to explore some networking groups. And I want you to think about looking beyond your local church. There are wider networks you could get part of, become part of. Now, some of those may or may not be Christian. There are professional groups here in my city. We've got some incredible professional groups. Some are Christian, some are not. But if you start looking for those, seeing where maybe other people you work with, where do they engage? What would be some places that you could naturally kind of navigate towards to have that built in networking opportunity. And I don't mean networking like the salesy pitch kind of. I'm here to sell you on something. I mean more so the network of an opportunity to connect to a pool of individuals who are also looking to build their community. So that could be a little bit more maybe on the professional side as far as connecting with people in your industry, in your local city.  

 

10:19 

But then of course there's online communities, you know, things like Facebook and LinkedIn. They do have groups for Christian professionals you could engage actively posting, commenting, and even suggesting meetups. The meetup for people that you've connected with online can be a powerful way to engage with them, to get a little bit of a better sense of how they function in life and their work and their personal life. And to see if perhaps there are some individuals there that would be a great fit for sort of inviting into your tribe, if you will. A third step is to be opened and intentional. Open and intentional. You know, making friends is gonna require some effort and some openness on your part. I, I'm very aware that when I share these ideas with you, you might already be having thoughts like, oh my gosh, Dana, maybe that does sound good, but that's gonna take a lot of time that I don't have.  

 

11:11 

And I want you to know that it is going to take time to build your tribe. You know, making these friends is gonna require some effort and you've gotta be open. Not everyone is gonna be a win or the exact fit that you're looking for, but you will get there. You know, even just doing one of these steps is a baby step in the right direction. So being intentional means that if you meet someone that you kind of click with or that you have a hunch it might be a good fit, take the initiative. Just suggest meeting them for coffee exchange, contact details, connect with them on social media. You're gonna be intentional there. I also want you to consider about how you're coming across. Can you show genuine interest? This isn't creepy. And this day and age where it's so easy to be flaky, I think showing genuine interest is a powerful thing, a powerful tool that you can use to ask questions, to listen actively and share about yourself.  

 

12:05 

You know, friendship kind of grows from a mutual understanding and trust. And it's not gonna happen overnight. It starts with these baby steps. But if you can show that genuine interest, you are going to see your tank as even just getting filled up just by the effort that you're making to try to build a tribe. You're going to learn so much. And I'm gonna share with you in a minute how, why I'm speaking from experience. And then in this, this step three about being open and intentional. I encourage you to pray for guidance. Ask God to lead you to the right people. I don't know who said it, but there's an old quote and I completely support it. And that is that prayer is one of our best time savers. Prayer is one of our best time savers. If you're feeling the objection to what I'm sharing with you because you think you don't have time for it, ask God to lead you to the right people, okay?  

 

12:54 

He knows who needs your friendship and he also knows what you need. He knows whose friendship you need. Another thing I love to think about, especially me in the last five years is I've tried to be more intentional about building a community. I love thinking about how God knows what's gonna happen in my life 10 minutes from now, 10 days from now, and 10 years from now. He knows who I need that can support me, and he knows what's gonna happen in their lives. 10 minutes, you know, 10 days and 10 years from now. And he knows what I have that I can offer to support them as well. And this is what the body of Christ is intended to do. And so if we invite God into our search, he is going to save us time and stress by helping us connect with the right people so that we have those win-win friendships.  

 

13:40 

And then step four is possibly the most important one. I considered putting it as step one because you might wanna do it before you do any of the others. But I want to explain the importance of step four, which is to get clear on what you want and get clear on what you're offering to others. Okay? So here's a coaching question for you. Ask yourself what's missing from my life that a relationship or a friendship could help me meet that need? What is missing from my life? And I want you to answer that question because I'm thinking back to when I was a young mom and I was out of work for a while and I was home with my young son. Long story short, he had a very rare medical emergency that nearly, he nearly lost his life three days before his first birthday.  

 

14:32 

And so I wasn't able to work for a while. I was home with him and it was a very precious time, but I desperately wanted some more community as my son was healing, as I was able to take him back out into the community again. I really needed some friends. And I think answering that question, what's missing from my life would've helped me in my search. Because I started just kind of randomly going to different places. We were living in a relatively, in a new state at that time, and I didn't have a lot of connections. And so I just tried everything. And that became exhausting and frustrating for me. And that actually contributed to the belief that I'm not great at making friends. I don't actually think I'm not great at making friends. I think I wasn't very focused or intentional and I didn't know what I wanted and needed.  

 

15:16 

Okay? So that's why this tip, this step is so important. What's missing from your life? 'cause here's, here's some answers. My clients have said to me, they realize that they feel like they don't have relationships, but what they really need right now is perhaps a mentor, a consultant, a coach, maybe a counselor or a therapist. One of my clients said, I just need a friend who lives nearby who can swap childcare for me once a month. I'll watch her kids. So she and her husband have a date night and then she can watch my kids. So my husband and I could have a date night as well. She really needed that. The budget was tight. She and her husband had very young kids. They wanted some time together, at least monthly to be able to have a date without the kids around. And so she knew exactly what she needed.  

 

15:59 

Once she knew that, it gave her so much clarity and it made her search easier. Okay? I also had a client tell me that she needed a workout buddy. She just wanted someone to walk with after work at least three times a week to kind of process the day before she went home and, and had to, you know, do the evening bedtime routine with her kids. So those are some very specific examples of getting clear on what you want. But once you get clear on what you want, I want you to tell people what you're looking for. Remember what I said, you're gonna go first. Leaders go first. You're gonna be vulnerable. You're gonna tell people what you're looking for. Hey, I'm really looking for someone in our neighborhood who could swap childcare with me once a month. This person doesn't have to be your best friend who's nearly your sister, right?  

 

16:41 

She needs to be someone who's trustworthy, someone you can trust with your kids, someone you can get to know a little bit and be able to engage in inviting her into your life and offering to be in her life because you could be the solution to each other's need in this season. So I told you, I was gonna tell you a little bit more about, again, I'm not an expert on building friendships, but part of the been there learned that podcast is me just sharing what I've learned over the years. And I hope that in sharing with you, it helps you go further faster. Not in the sense of hustling, but in the sense of getting where you want to go. If I can save you some time, energy, frustration and effort. So our family moved 19 times in the first 20 years of my marriage. So I was married in the year 2000. Chris and I were married in the year 2000. Our son was born in 2003, and then our daughter was born in 2005. She came home, she was adopted, she came into our home in 2007. So from 2000 to the year 2019, almost 20 years, we had moved 19 times.  

 

17:49 

Since 2019, we have been in the same city. So being in the same city for nearly five years now, that has changed so many things for me in a really special way. I have been following these exact, these exact steps that I'm sharing with you to watch. Over time my community flourish into something that is so rewarding and priceless to me. So personally, especially in the last year, it's really increased. While things have been good and going well, in the last year, I have really intentionally sought out two specific types of friendships that I needed. You know, answering that question, what's missing from my life that would help me the most right now? And one of those types of friendships or relationships was to grow my connections in my business. I needed some support, actually. I needed a lot of support. Let's be really honest about that.  

 

18:41 

I am not superwoman. So as my business has grown, as Dana Buyer's coaching has grown, I have needed the input of other fellow female CEOs and other business owners. I got to a point where I knew I couldn't continue on my own and do things as well as I want to. So I found a place to get in community here in my local city. I'm in a mastermind with some other women who run businesses locally, and we meet every month. That has been so lifesaving for me. As I engaged in that group, I realized, you know what? It's also time for me based upon their example and the teaching and, and things I've learned from them, that I needed to make a few strategic hires of people who could come alongside me and enjoy the ride with me in my business so that I'm not alone in the effort, but also so that I can learn from them and they can learn from me these mutually beneficial working relationships.  

 

19:30 

So that's one area of my life where I identified some needs for relationships and have really sought out intentionally. The second area is personally, so I shared that, you know, we've moved a lot, but being in the, in the same city for nearly five years now, that's changed so many things in a special way. Everywhere I've lived, all the different states and countries I've lived in, I've had some great friends, but there's always been, you know, the, the friendships don't necessarily and, but if I'm not there in person, don't see them as much. They just don't stay as close. There's a bit of a, a sense of feeling removed there. So now I've seen that I've had the opportunity to dive deeper with some amazing people, the same people consistently. And that I wanna share to you, if you have that, don't take that for granted.  

 

20:14 

That is something you can't put a price on. It is priceless to me to have these friendships, to have these people in my city that I can text in the middle of the day. I know I could call them late at night. I know I could show up at their doorstep and they could do the same. You know, I wanted to prioritize the women in the weekly small group that my husband and I attend. You know, we get to laugh, pray, eat, and study God's word together every week. And that is so amazing. I think that is God's explicit provision in my life to help me become the woman that he knows I can be. I'm a woman after God's own heart, but I get to pursue him even better. I get to honor him even more as I engage in this community. This is true iron sharpening iron as we learn about in scripture, and I'll be really honest with you, it's taken a couple of years, but we've arrived at the place where they know I have their back and I know they have mine.  

 

21:08 

These are some really safe people in my life, and I just praise God for that. So if, and I share that because if you're a person who's moved a lot or struggled to keep friends, I doubted that I could do it for a long time. And God proved me wrong. I was open to him proving me wrong, and I'm so thankful for the beautiful people in my tribe that I get to do life with in my business and in my personal life. So finding your tribe as a Christian working woman isn't just about filling your social calendar, right? This is about creating meaningful connections that will support your faith journey and your personal and your professional growth. So remember, every interaction you have is an opportunity to both give and receive the love and support that God calls on us to share with others. Well, thank you so much for joining me for this episode. May you find strength, inspiration, and even a few new friends along the way. I'll see you on the next episode. Hey there, have you grabbed your free two minute stressed stopper yet? If not, what the heck are you waiting for? Get immediate access to these powerful coaching questions that are going to help you calm down fast@danabycoaching.com slash free. See you soon.