Listen to Embracing Transformation: From People-Pleasing to Self-Compassion

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Are you a Christian working woman who is looking to boost your confidence and transform your life? Well, I have got just the thing for you. My online course. The 10 hour Confidence Transformation is available now. This course is designed to fit into your busy schedule and provide you with actionable strategies to increase your confidence. Plus, with your purchase, you will get access to a private monthly group coaching call where we can connect and grow together. Get all the details right now@danabycoaching.com. Before we get started today, I wanna take just a moment to share with you a client testimonial. She said, I cannot begin to describe the amount of self-awareness our sessions have brought to my life. Emily, thank you so much for sharing these lovely words. It is so rewarding walking along with you in each of our sessions. If you'd like to learn more about what it looks like to work with me, go to dana byers coaching.com/get coached.  

 

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Well, hey there everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Been There, learned that this is Dana Byers, and have you ever had a day where you did something and you realized, oh my gosh, now that I've done that, this thing that I've been dreaming about is coming closer to being true. If you have, you can relate to what I'm feeling today. I just finished all of my vaccinations for a trip that I have in August of this year, upcoming a trip that I'm taking to Kenya, and I'm very excited about that because that is a very tactile thing that's been on my calendar for a bit to get these vaccinations, because going to Kenya is very special to me. So when we started Dana Buyer's Coaching a few years ago, the model was very simple and it remains very simple, but you may not know what it is.  

 

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So I wanna share it with you right now. So when you hire me as a coach, whether you're purchasing a course, whether you hire me for sessions, whatever that looks like, 10% of what you pay me, of course I, I practice the tithe. So that goes to my local church. Another 10% of what I earn at Dana Buyer's Coaching goes directly to organizations that I have vetted that are empowering women who are facing injustice or inequities. So there's one organization in particular, I'll be telling you more about it, especially if you're on my email list or if you follow me on social media. I'm on Instagram at Dana l Byers, if you follow me there, you're gonna learn more information about the organizations I partner with. But I'm very excited because in the past few years of my business, all of my clients have partnered to help us send a couple dozen women through an incredible leadership program in Rwanda.  

 

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Well, that program has since advanced towards working in Kenya, and this summer I'll be going for about 10 days to help train the trainers of this program. We'll be doing some leadership training, some discipleship training, and these are women who are engaged in their local communities. These are women who follow Jesus, and they are committed to directly facing the injustices and inequities that women are facing in their villages, in their cities, in their counties, in their country. So I'm really thrilled to get to go do that in a couple months time. So getting those vaccinations feels like a really big step in the direction my heart has been wanting to go for a while. And of course, I'll be reporting back to you about all the things that you are helping happen in Rwanda and Kenya as a result of hiring me to be your coach.  

 

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So another part of my business model you may not know is that of course, you know, 10% goes to my local church, 10% to these organizations that we've vetted to these nonprofits. Then of course, I pay the people, the team who help me behind the scenes to get things done. But I also use my earnings to pay to hire coaches and to get coached myself. And here's why this is a really important part of my business model, because I see it as a cycle. I see it as an ongoing cycle. You hire me together, we're giving to the local church together, we are empowering women who are facing injustice and inequities. We're supporting the team that help me as well. And then I'm also getting coached so that I can show you what's possible so that I can learn and grow so that I can remain on the journey and coach you even better.  

 

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So there's a little bit of behind the scenes of what it's like here at Dana Buyer's Coaching and what the business model I have looks like. So I just wanted to share that with you because I'm really feeling the progress that God is bringing to my business, and I'm so thankful for it. I'm grateful to all of you clients who are on this journey with me, and I can't wait to share with you about how things go in Kenya when I get there later this summer. All right, let's talk today about five very specific examples of personal growth that you can celebrate. And the reason I have a feeling this is something you can celebrate is because I have been coaching so many women for hundreds of hours, I just recently pulled a report, it's been several hundred hours now since I started my business.  

 

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Of course many before that over the last couple decades. But just within the container of Dana Buyer's coaching these hundreds of hours, talking to women about the things that they're trying to develop in their lives and giving them the opportunity and really inviting them and encouraging them to celebrate those things. Now I know from being very similar to a lot of my clients and being similar to a lot of you who are listening to this episode, that it's easy for us as women to maybe make progress and not notice it. And it's not because we don't love ourselves, and it's not because we don't appreciate it, but we just keep moving forward. So I want to talk about things we can celebrate in our personal growth because after all of this time, I've noticed a theme and there are at least five things you could be celebrating.  

 

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We could, and I also think we could all improve at taking a little bit of time to stop and celebrate our progress. So stick with me in this episode today because you're gonna hear something in here that I believe you probably are doing, that you have been working on, that you have significantly improved in since you know, maybe three months ago, maybe three years ago. And we're just going to talk about these potential wins that you've experienced and how you can celebrate them. And if you are working towards creating those wins, I'm gonna give you some tips on some things you can do based upon what I've learned from my clients while I've been supporting and coaching them through their own celebratory journeys and their personal growth. And I wanna emphasize before we get started, the importance of celebration. You know, we aren't just saying, oh, we're amazing people.  

 

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I think I'm the best. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm really just talking about your ability to celebrate what God has done, your ability to grow and change and not stay the same woman year to year. You know, our personal development and our faith are intertwined. I believe that strongly. So when you in faith, step out and try to grow or to ask for help, God rewards us for that. And so it can be difficult if we feel that we have so far to go in reaching our goals. You know, there was a season years ago where I thought, gosh, I'm just not the mom I want to be. Or wow, I was in a role where I was struggling as a leader and I thought, man, I've got so far to go compared to this other person I know who I really respect her leadership.  

 

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So what we're talking about today is how you can have a major boost if you stop, take a look back and see just how far you've come. And if we don't celebrate these five things in your personal growth, we're gonna miss out on seeing God's presence and his support in our lives. So, okay, here's the five things you might be wanting to celebrate today. Celebration number one, choosing curiosity over criticism, choosing curiosity over criticism. And so the scenario is you might be encountering a challenging situation or someone else's error, whether this is at home or at work. And you are able to make the choice to be curious, to seek understanding instead of immediately becoming critical for what's happened. And you can celebrate this mindset shift as a step towards growth and compassion. You know, this could happen at home. Maybe you recognize that you're not as quick to assume the worst of your teenager when they didn't do what they said they would do.  

 

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Or maybe this celebration could happen in your work life. You know, it could be that a decision was made that you don't agree with. So you choose to follow up with a genuine sense of curiosity, open to the possibility that the coworker's decision is better than what you had in mind. You're able to choose curiosity over criticism. This is such a powerful personal growth thing to celebrate because sometimes we don't see it in ourselves, but I want you to think about what it feels like. What does it feel like for you? It might feel different for me when I choose curiosity over criticism. When I feel critical, my chest feels heavy, I notice that I wrinkle up my forehead. I'm probably squinting. I'm definitely not smiling. But when I'm curious, I'm open to the possibility that something you know, one that I don't know everything, of course, right?  

 

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But two, that maybe something has happened, I'm just not aware of yet, and I'm hopeful that things could be different. Now let's look at these scenarios with your teenager or with the decision made at work. Maybe it does turn out that they didn't have your best interest in mind. You can still celebrate that you chose to start with curiosity, and you don't actually have to go to criticism. Instead, you can bring a place of healthy correction. So choosing curiosity is something I really want you to think about celebrating, and I wouldn't be surprised if you were doing that more than you used to. Okay, celebration number two, it's bypassing your people pleasing tendencies, bypassing your people pleasing tendencies. So the concept of people pleasing, of course you're familiar with it, but what it is is it's really just whenever we tend to value another person's desires, preferences, or even what we assume they want to happen, we value all of those things above our own intuition, our own interests and our needs.  

 

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And this makes a direct impact on our decision making lives. So you see, I have a client who, a while ago, she made the decision to leave her job despite the warnings of her coworkers and her family's disapproval. So yes, she was an adult, totally capable of making that decision, but it was really difficult for her because she had a leader at work and one of her parents that she really struggled with, sometimes people pleasing them. So she came to a point where she believed that this was what God wanted for her to leave that job. So she obeyed in faith. And the truth is, it took a while for her to see the good things come out of that decision. But she is so happy now that she didn't just do what the people who care about her and who do want, you know, want what's they believe is best for her.  

 

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But she's really happy. She didn't just do what they told her to do. Instead, she chose God's direction over the comfort of the status quo, the comfort of keeping things the way they were to avoid ruffling any feathers. So she is a client that we celebrated her bypassing those people pleasing tendencies in that scenario. And I want you to think about celebrating the courage it takes to prioritize your values and beliefs over what people tell you or strongly encourage you to do. And hear me say, this might be difficult for you, and that's okay, depending on the individual, it might be more difficult for you to deal with people pleasing than it would be with some other people in your life. So here's a little tip for you. If it's difficult for you to say no, or to make a decision that goes against what someone would like for you to do, here's something you could say.  

 

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Just be vulnerable with them and say, you know what? This was not easy for me. I really don't take this decision lightly. I care about your opinion, I care about your input, but in the end, I needed to do what is in alignment with my values and what I believe God is showing me to do. That's just a little tip for me that can help you if you're feeling stuck on making a decision that you really feel is best for you, but you feel stuck because of people pleasing, you could try those words and see how they work for you. Third celebration. This one is fascinating because I think it's a little bit sneaky. So I hope when you listen up, you are able to recognize this as something you can celebrate in yourself. And if you can't celebrate it yet, I'm gonna share with you maybe a way that you could, okay, celebration three is taking care of your body when you don't feel like it taking care of your body when you don't feel like it.  

 

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And here's essentially what I mean when I say that. Putting your self care over self sabotage. So you know, we, we hear about self care all the time. And I don't think personally, you know, when I, if I get my nails done or a handful of things, you know, shopping, I don't really think that's self-care, but self-care is very important. It helps us maintain our physical and mental health. Some of the things I just mentioned are just kind of little drops in the bucket that don't really provide much sustenance and self-care isn't really meant to escape your stressful life. That's not the purpose of it. It's really a matter, I believe, of building in habits that are unique to you. The habits that you discover by knowing yourself through self-awareness, building in those habits that help you fill your tank before you get burned out so that you can maintain the energy that you need for what God has called you to do.  

 

14:23 

It helps you support yourself in the long haul. Last night I read an article about an author who said that she has been able to have nearly a 50 year career of writing books because she has given her body what she knows it needs. And for her, that is one time alone and two running. And I think that's fascinating because I do appreciate time alone. I used to be a runner. It's not really something that felt amazing to me. So I, so I didn't maintain it, I replaced it with other things that I feel are better self-care for me. But I so respect and appreciate that she's figured out what works for her. It is a system, it's not perfect, but it does give her some of the support she needs so that she can maintain things during stressful seasons. And she mentioned that she even felt at times that she had to fight for those needs, you know, to be an advocate for herself, to have the time to do those things in different seasons, different seasons of her life.  

 

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But once she gave into those, once she admitted those were things that really served her well, she began to prioritize them. They showed up on her calendar, and her job actually became easier. Isn't that fascinating to think about that? She said her job became easier, writing was so much easier for her once she did those hard things of fitting in the running and the time alone. And I thought, what a beautiful thought. You know, what would it look like for you to take care of your body in such a way that it felt like your life were easier to experience? What would it look like for you to take care for your body in a way that is supportive? And how could you do it without apology? You know, like I said, she said there were times where she felt like she had to fight for those needs to make sure they were met, but she did it without apology and that allowed her to stay the course.  

 

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So I'm sharing this because you see, I've noticed that when we don't choose self care, we tend to slip into self sabotage. When we don't choose self-care, we can tend to slip into self sabotage and self sabotaging behavior. I'm referring to the intentional action or inaction that undermines your progress. Whenever we engage in self-sabotaging behavior, it prevents us from accomplishing our goals. And it occurs when we engage in habits like maybe stress eating, doom, scrolling on social media, staying up late to watch TV instead of going to sleep. You know, this happens. The self-sabotage happens when we engage in habits like that, or other ones that hinder our own success. Now, it may be intentional or it may be unintentional, whatever that looks like. Or you know, it could just be inaction that we aren't doing something, whatever that looks like. We could be self-sabotaging and not taking care of our bodies.  

 

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And so we're choosing self-sabotage, you know, unintentionally or intentionally over self-care because we struggle with maintaining the calling that God has given us. So unlike self-sabotage, I wanna make sure I emphasize that self-care contributes to your long-term wellbeing, and it contributes to resilience. So for example, if you've purchased my course, the 10 Hour Confidence Transformation, you've learned that there is a video lesson in there about how we work from a place of rest. It all starts with rest. And we can create rhythms in our lives to support our bodies and our minds and our spiritual relationships with God and with others, so that we are able to be fully present and generally energized for our work when it's time to work. So a few examples of self-care tips that my clients who celebrate taking care of their body, ev even when they don't want to, are this clients have told me they focus on deep breathing.  

 

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One client said, you know, if I'm breathing shallow, I stop to notice that and take some deep breaths. It helps me focus. Another client said she likes to walk in nature, she likes to be alone and just experience God's beauty and let her thoughts kind of roam to clear her brain of the clutter. Another one takes hot baths, one goes for a monthly massage, and I love this one. One of my fellow coach friends said that what she does to take care of her body is intuitive eating. So she stops to think, you know, wow, okay, maybe I haven't had any fruit for a couple days. I want to intuitively think about what I've eaten and what I've not eaten so that I can supplement that and support my body by making sure I'm getting the nutrients it needs. And she also focused on mindful eating, which is really just not eating too fast or not being distracted while you're eating so that you can actually enjoy the food.  

 

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And she pointed out, you know, if I wanna have ice cream, I'm gonna have ice cream, but I'm going to really sit with it and enjoy it because that is a better experience than using it as a means of stress. It's very different to experience mindful eating as compared to stress eating. So there's some examples for you if you're struggling with that, but I think you can really become aware of whether or not you are choosing self-care or self-sabotage, and celebrate yourself whenever you are listening to your body. All right, celebration number four, having compassion for yourself during a valley. You know, if you've been in the church very long at all, you've probably heard the concept about peaks and valleys in our life's journey, right? Not every day is up and to the right. We have seasons that can be really difficult. And we also have seasons that are surprisingly amazing with beautiful growth.  

 

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And I believe the way we have compassion for ourselves and the habits we use and the self-care that we employ, just like I mentioned in celebration three a little bit earlier, all of these things come together. However, we're facing our valleys, the the having compassion for ourselves during the valley, that directly impacts how we experience the high points in our lives. So for example, if you or I get burned out, if we're in a valley season, then the peak that we experience eventually later in the future might be less enjoyable and less difficult to maintain or appreciate. And I'll give you a clear example to explain what I'm saying. So imagine being a business owner and you've hit your revenue goal during a low performing economic quarter. So you reach the goal, but the way you reached that goal was developing inflammation in your body and poor sleeping habits as a result.  

 

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So you hit that financial goal, but it was at the expense of your body. So you went through the valley, a difficult stretch, kind of challenging season. You were able to come out of it and maybe experience a bit of a peak through that success, if you will, but it was at the expense of your body. So you and I can celebrate having compassion for ourself during a valley by finding ways to mitigate the potential damage we could be causing ourselves ahead of time. And the way we do that is one, admit that we are in a valley. Admit what's going on. You could tell some trusted friends that, Hey, this is just a high stress season for us. I could use your prayer, I could use your support to do X, Y, z. You know, maybe you could remove a few things from your calendar and actively use compassion to walk yourself through that valley.  

 

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It will eventually end, but the peak is so much more rewarding and requires less recovery, if any at all, if you're able to go through the valley with self-compassion. So celebrating the act of self-compassion during difficult times is I think an incredible approach that I often don't think about until I've been in the valley a little bit, to be honest with you. But when I stopped burning out for the last time in 2017, after years of living in that pattern of compassionless and my, my own compassionless approach to my own stress, you know, I really discovered that it isn't true that I would stop experiencing stress whether I'm in a valley or a peak or a high moment of my life. There's still stress, there's still all kinds of unknown and difficult things going on behind the scenes. But in many regards, my life actually now even has new and different kinds of stress as I've grown.  

 

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But I can celebrate when I'm able to set myself up for wins and fewer losses when I'm in that stressful value so I can be fully present and enjoy those peaks. And I don't know how else to say it except that that is a feeling that money cannot buy. You know, sometimes the word empowerment is overused and it's, it can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. But in this example, I think feeling empowered to recognize how you are engaging with yourself and whether or not you're willing to show yourself compassion when you're in a valley that's empowerment because you realize you are empowered to engage with yourself in a way that supports you, so that when you end this season, you will be better off for the way you have cared for yourself. And a little side note here, when I say this is a feeling that money cannot buy, I also think it has a side effect that money can't buy.  

 

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And it's a really beautiful one, and here it is. When you show compassion to yourself, it's generally easier for you to show compassion to others. It starts with you. And this is a beautiful side effect that can make the valleys even lighter in my experience. All right, let's take a look at celebration number five, and I want you to get to a point where you can celebrate having difficult conversations. Yes, I want to introduce the importance of this idea of your communication and engaging in difficult conversations where appropriate. You know, I had a client who celebrated that she had a challenging but necessary conversation. In fact, you might remember a month or two ago, I had a live client session that was recorded. I turned it to a podcast episode. It was with a client who was struggling between feeling a sense of harmony in her relationships due to conflict, you know, at work, maybe in her personal life, in a variety of areas.  

 

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She didn't really say anything more than just that. There were some people in her lives that she was struggling feeling she couldn't have harmony with them and struggling with that feeling of conflict. So if you haven't heard that episode, go back and listen. I coach her and she really comes up with some beautiful answers on her own as God kind of directed her how to move forward. So that episode went live on May 14th of this year, 2024. And then a couple weeks after our session, my client emailed me and she realized that not only did she lower that stress threshold for these types of conversations, but she said she's more willing to engage in these types of talks with curiosity, and she's feeling less anxiety over time. In fact, here's a quote from the follow-up emails she sent me that I wanna share with you.  

 

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She said, as it happens, I had conflict come up where the results were such a blessing with two of my people who trigger me, and I am continually learning more about myself in the bargain. Don't you love that? I think that's incredible. She was so open to having these conversations and she used the word, the words, the results were such a blessing, not just for her, but for the people that she was in communication with. And you see, honest communication takes courage. She knows that, but she still did it. And like her, you can have so much joy if you're willing to dip your toes in the water of those difficult conversations and celebrate your, your progress as you recognize that you're having these difficult conversations over time. And in fact, there's a whole lesson on this in my course, the 10 hour Confidence Transformation, where I share my own personal learning curve in this area.  

 

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I'm not a major fan of having difficult conversations, but I am improving in that. And I think we can all become feedback champions, and we can all approach each other with respect and see ourselves grow. That's absolutely something to celebrate. So let's wrap. Let's wrap up today with a coaching question, because I'm feeling curious and I want to know, which of these five celebrations could you recognize growth in for yourself today? Here they are. I'll read them to you again, one through five. One, choosing curiosity over criticism. Two, bypassing your people pleasing tendencies. Three, taking care of your body when you don't feel like it. Meaning you're choosing self-care over self-sabotage. Four, having compassion for yourself during a valley, and five, having a difficult conversation. Which of those stands out to you? Maybe you've done 1, 2, 3, 4, all five of those, whatever it is. I wanna ask you, how will you celebrate these are so worthy of celebration becomes you?  

 

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Because I believe you've probably come much farther than you realize. Give yourself permission to celebrate this telementor. Maybe get yourself a little treat. You know, keep track of your work wins. Because let me tell you, you know, I told you I used to work in HR this, these were the kind of things, these, these things that might not seem measurable. If you keep track of these kind of things that you're growing in, you can just email those to yourself, copy and paste them into your annual review document whenever you're asking for that pay raise. Because I can tell you I love having people on my teams who are growing in these areas. The expectation is not perfection for any of us, but the expectation is an openness to grow and improve in these areas, and it feels so amazing to be able to do that. So I wanna encourage you to acknowledge and celebrate your own wins. If you want to share with me your wins, I would love to celebrate you as well. Just send me an email to dana@danabyerscoaching.com. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode. If my podcast is helping you, could you take just a moment and leave me a five star review today? That would mean the world to me. Thank you, friends. I will see you on the next episode.  

 

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Hey lady, are you looking for some inspiration? Check out my blog for insights on leadership decision making, your career money and more. It is a treasure trove of knowledge and ideas that is waiting for you. And I update it every week. Dive in now@danabuyerscoaching.com. Let's explore together.