Recorded Coaching Session: Finding Harmony in Conflicts
00:04
Hey there and welcome. Are you a woman who is unapologetically ambitious, but you're also deeply focused on honoring God, loving your family well and pursuing meaningful work? Well, you've come to the right place. My name is Dana Byers and you and I are going to be fast friends. Let's get started.
00:29
Hey there, everyone. Before we get started today, I wanna take just a moment to share with you a recent review that I received. She said, Dana's advice isn't self-help. It's self-discovery and it helps you realize the strengths you have that you might not be tapping into. Every time I meet with Dana, I leave feeling heard and understood. Her years of experience have given her wisdom and her God-given hospitality makes her a pleasure to work with. Thank you so much for these precious words. Jen. It is such a joy to get to know you better as we've had many opportunities to coach over the last couple of years.
01:08
Hi, dear friends, you are in for such a treat today. I have a wonderful and brave client who allowed me to record one of our recent sessions, and she does remain anonymous. I don't use her name in this recording, but she agreed to this so that you could get a sense of what it's like to bring an issue that's frustrating to a coaching session and what it looks like to talk through it, to feel the feelings, to be vulnerable, to allow even some moments of silence. So this is such a treat because you're really going to get to see behind the curtains what it's like to be coached. And a little bit of context here. She brought a scenario where she was experiencing some frustration in conflict and shutting down in conversations. And so we were able to observe and study a repeating pattern in her life to look at it without judgment and to really get a strong grasp on what she could do to shift and improve these conversations. I can't wait to hear what you think. Listen to her self discovery journey.
02:21
I'm curious if we could pick one that seemed the most accurate to you. Confused, panic, anger. Which of those really speaks to the heart of what's going on inside your mind and heart?
02:39
I think confused. Okay. Because that really like, it it to me, like I, I try, since I tried to find harmony in, in people and things, you know, in order to better understand them and have them understand me, I think that really is why I get confused if I'm, you know, in the heat of things. Because I'm like, how do you get that from this? You know, why aren't you seeing this? Or what am I saying to you? That's not coming across the way that I'm saying it or whatnot, you know?
03:21
Sure. Okay.
03:22
That sort of thing.
03:24
So I'm, I'm looking through kind of what we call a thought model here. Okay. So there's a circumstance, and a circumstance is just a fact. What you are facing right now is the circumstance of whenever you're in a conversation with someone who has a different perception and you start, you know, we, we only wanna know the facts, and that is that you're really in a conversation. That's the only fact we have for sure. Right. But you do have an experience based upon your perception of that, and the experience of those circumstances would be the thought that you have about, you know, you've got some curious thoughts here, like, why do they think that way? You know, how could they have interpreted that? Like they're, they're curious thoughts. And you said you feel confused when you're thinking those thoughts. Like, why is this happening? How is it going down? So I'm taking you down this trail to really look at the circumstance, because once we understand the fact, the only fact is there's a conversation happening between two people, but the thoughts are what are unique to you, this thought about why are they thinking that way? And the feeling is unique to you, that feeling of confusion. So when you feel confused, what actions do you take? How do you respond?
04:44
I really try to take a step back and not say anything because I'm very mindful of what I am saying when that happens, because I know certain things can't be taken back. And unfortunately the, the people in my life that I have in mind with how I'm triggered all tend to be to where they won't say too much unless they're like pressed otherwise, the rest of the time they're kind of quiet and they don't really like, like to give their opinions about things and stuff like that. So that makes it challenging. Okay.
05:27
Alright. So the actions you take are you kind of, you didn't use these words, but you said you get, well, you did say you get quiet. Would you go so far as to say you kind of shut down or you back off? Is that what you're communicating to me?
05:41
Sometimes, but a lot of the time I actually do stop to pray so that I'm not losing my mind, you know, because I, I I, I don't want to be somebody who's reactive and for whatever reason I am fine with everybody else except the few people that I continually have issues with. Yes.
06:12
Okay.
06:13
So that's why we're doing this, you know. How would
06:17
You describe, how would you describe the result, the end result of these conversations, the ones that are going the way that you don't want them to go? How do they end?
06:28
Well, sometimes it's to where nothing gets resolved and there are hurt feelings, you know, on both sides kind of thing. Other times if that the situation is ignored and we move on, you know, and kind of sweep it under the rug. Yeah. And of course in doing that it can come out in other ways, other times kind of thing.
07:00
Absolutely.
07:02
And then there have been times where, because of the conflict and being able to express myself with, you know, how they're making me feel, that we are able to talk about how that person then feels and then we can kind of work it out a little bit as far as agreeing to disagree or both learning something.
07:24
Okay. Alright. Well good. Yeah, this is, this is wonderful. I, we're really getting somewhere and I so appreciate you sharing the details and just being vulnerable with this saying, Hey, sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I, you know, whatever it is, there's no judgment for that because that's what's gonna allow us to really get a good, I like a good identification of where you want to go. Sure. So what we just did was we kind of put together a model of how you're typically experiencing and responding to these conversations. Now what I want to do is think about the next time this conversation happens. We don't have to imagine it too much, but we wanna prepare for it. You know, you said you would, it would be very valuable today to have a mindset that would serve you to approach these conversations by feeling peace. So now I wanna put together using the same circumstance. The circumstance is you are in a conversation with another person and it is really just a conversation, you know? So that's the fact
08:28
I wanna
08:29
Ask you. We could look at this from two points. We could look at it from what result would you want from the conversation or how would you like to feel in the conversation? Which of those is more important to you?
08:45
I would say that I would like to feel better about it because I know at the end of the day, you know, a lot of things can change for situations, but the way that people have made me feel or how I feel about myself is something that, you know, would stick with me.
09:04
Yes. Okay. So what would be an emotion that you would like to assign to feeling better? What would be an emotion that you would feel that would be better than where you have been?
09:20
I guess I would say joy. Joy. I mean, you know, to, to embrace joy. Yeah.
09:25
Okay. Wonderful. That sounds great. Let's, let's think about joy. Okay. In this same scenario, in this same conversation, what actions do you take when you feel joy?
09:44
It's easier for me to take risks.
09:46
Ah, okay. Ooh.
09:49
I look for ways to help people. I'm a helper by nature, so I get excited to be able to be of help. Help and encouraging too.
10:02
Oh wow. I can't, I can't write fast enough to keep up with these great answers here. This is great.
10:08
I wanna point out to you, I noticed that your energy level shifted a little bit when you started talking about that. Did you feel that, I mean, I really see that in your case you seem lighthearted, you're like, oh, well it'd be easier to take risks. I look for ways to help people because all the self-awareness you've built over these years since you've gotten to the, since you had the keys handed to you to start making decisions, the self-awareness you've built, lead has led you to understand, I am a helper. That's what I bring. So it would be so energizing for you to take actions that are helpful, that would actually increase your joy and that would be encouraging. So again, talking about this new kind of thought model, what thought would have to be true? What would you have to believe to be able to take these actions? To take risks, to look for ways to help, to encourage and to feel joy.
11:06
Hmm. So while in the midst of a conflict. Wow. Wow. I would say maybe in recognizing that the words or the actions that the others are taking or the other person is taking isn't because they necessarily are rejecting me or what I have to say, but it's how they're expressing themselves and they still want to be a part of my life. And that's affirming. So as much as I might be unhappy with them in that moment or whatnot, that what I have with 'em is important to me and I know it's important to them. And somehow I have to get it into my head to embrace that. You know, when, when I'm not getting along.
12:19
That's a such a beautiful statement. Here's what you said. The words and actions of the other person isn't necessarily because they reject me or my words, it's how they're expressing themselves and they still want me to be a part of their life. What would be the result of that conversation? If you had this mindset to serve you in front of you, if this belief were true, what would be the outcome of that conversation?
12:51
I think it would be better time spent together, honestly. And that that's really, I think what I'm always after with the people that trigger me is I just want a better time with them.
13:07
How empowered do you feel to let these people know that you love them so much? You want better time with them?
13:17
I like to think that I've mentioned it to them, but again, you know, I don't know how much of it is just me being a gregarious person versus, you know, like they're all tired and whatever, you know, leave me alone kind of thing. Or I just need my space, you know? Yeah. It's hard to say.
13:42
Sure. No, that's okay. I was just curious about that because
13:45
I think
13:45
It's such a beautiful sentiment, the, that whole mention of like, I really just, that's how I really want is better time spent together. Yeah. So the, as we look at this, this thought you came up with, I'm gonna ask you a scaling question again, how strongly you believe it, one being not at all, 10 being a lot, and I'm gonna read it back to you again so you can really determine for yourself today
14:11
How
14:12
True this statement is to you. And there's no judgment, by the way. Whatever you feel about it, we wanna get to the authenticity of how you feel about it. So here are your words, the words and actions of the other person isn't because they reject me or my words, it's just how they're expressing themselves. They still want to be a part of my life. So on a scale of one to 10, how true is that for you today?
14:40
10, eight.
14:41
Wow. Eight. Okay. That's pretty high.
14:46
That's, that's not a bad day. Yeah. Wow. An
14:50
Eight. Okay. Yeah. So when we talked about, you know, wanting this conversation to move you towards the mindset that would serve you, that peace of mind heading into these conversations and as we think about the, this thought that you just figured out for yourself, like, oh wait, I pulled that out of my brain. You know, God revealed this to me. As you think about that thought, what's a way that you could take that into the next time you realize, oh gosh, I'm walking into one of these conversations. How could you practically invite this thought into that interaction?
15:30
Hmm. Maybe by starting off our conversation by just, you know, reaffirming what our objective is and, and what we're trying to discuss or something and you know, maybe to agree to only discuss so much or something like that so that, you know, maybe it gives the other person also a chance not to feel overwhelmed and then we can kind of go back to it on another or at another time.
16:14
Yes. Yes. Okay. Wow. So there's a great action point for you, and I'm looking back at my notes here to where you pointed out at the beginning of our call that yes, you value harmony and optimism and you might even be able to live out that value based upon this action point you just came up with.
16:33
Sure.
16:33
You know, it's not, it's not actually creating more dissonance or disagreement, it's actually supporting the harmony that exists so that the two of you, or however many of you are in that conversation are cared for, but are still in a safe place to be able to share your opinions. Am I understanding correctly?
16:54
Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay,
16:58
Wonderful. Well, as we wrap up today, I would love to know what accountability might you need to follow through with this action step?
17:12
Hmm. Wow, that's a hard one. I mean, honestly, I guess if I had to be, you know, accountable, come the next time, you know, that something happens, maybe it would just be in being able to, you know, share what, what results, you know, and, and see how much better it went from having gone over all of what we have in this hour.
17:49
Yes. Well that sounds great. I'm up for it. You are. Welcome to next time you walk through this, just send me an email, lemme know, okay. Okay. Hey, here's what happened. You don't have to, you know, reveal names or anything uncomfortable, but let me know how you walked through this kind of the mental self-talk that you had, maybe an encouragement God gave you or progress that you saw things to work on. And I ask that question about accountability because I wanna acknowledge that we get to make progress in every session, but we don't solve all the world's problems in a session, right? So this is an ongoing journey and relationship and I would love for you to reach out and reply to me, you know, when this does happen, when life happens again, and you take a look at these thoughts, you know, that you came up with for yourself to work on. And, and I think in light of that, I would also just be curious to know, based upon all the things that we were able to chat through today, what would you say is a key takeaway that you were walking away with as we wrap up our session?
18:55
Well, I would say in just knowing that the way that I am, like thinking about myself, you know, is a tool. Yeah. To help propel me forward.
19:12
Yes. That is so powerful. What a a, a wonderful thought and a beautiful thing to come out of coaching too, that whenever we're struggling in our relationships with other people, you know, with a coach, it would never be appropriate for me as a coach to try to tell you how other people should be. But when people do show up to a coaching conversation, it's so wonderful when you're open and ready to be coached, just like you are vulnerable to share, because we get to look at your perspective, and that's something we can control, right? We can control ourselves. So for you to be able to show up and say, okay, I'm willing to look at this differently. I'm willing to reframe things. In fact, I would like God to give me a fresh perspective on this. You know, that's the way we feel. A lot of times when I'm getting coached, I'm showing up to my coach being like, I need God to give me a different perspective on this because I value these relationships.
20:04
I know I'm not perfect and I want to engage in a better way. So you have given us such a great example of a coaching session where we are able to look at a common scenario that does impact our life significantly, invite God into that, but then also say, okay, I've got some actionable ideas to take back so that I can see notable improvement in my life and these relationships that I care about. So thank you so much for making time today to chat with us, for sharing your story, for being so open and coachable, and I'm just really grateful to you for it.
20:41
Well, and I'm grateful to you. Thank you for having me.
20:48
All right. Well, wasn't that amazing? I am so proud of my client for the hard work that she did, and I'm also just so inspired by her willingness to be open and transparent and to be vulnerable and open to new possibilities, to kind of shifting her energy and gaining a fresh perspective from God as we talk through her frustration. So there you have it, friends, there's a little bit of a taste of what a coaching session can be like. I hope you enjoyed it. I'll see you on the next episode. Hey there, have you grabbed your free two minute stress stopper yet? If not, what the heck are you waiting for? Get immediate access to these powerful coaching questions that are going to help you calm down fast@danabyerscoaching.com slash free. See you soon.
